well, i had a bit of a breakdown and was trapped on a psych ward for about two weeks. they let me go last friday, i've been chilling at home since, getting back into some semblance of a normal, non-work routine — gym, hobbies, trying to eat better. going to the cinema. reading books at restaurants.
i got diagnosed with 'rather severe' fibromyalgia, which has a shitty prognosis, and borderline personality disorder, which has an even shittier prognosis. i don't feel very loveable right now. i don't feel very hopeful, either. but some things seem interesting again, and i notice little bits of beauty on my walks. i'm still exhausted, but i want to be alive, and i do want to get better. that's a start. i made a zine — everybody is going to heaven, vol.6 — and i hope to go to Staples and pay $3 to scan it sometime next week. probably won't be able to print copies until the summer. (bummer.) it feels good to try making things again, even if it feels a bit like i'm walking on shaky baby deer legs. honestly ... in some ways, i feel like i came out of the psych ward with more problems than when i went in. psychiatric incarceration had been traumatic for me at age 14 but i thought i'd put it behind me, until i had to do it all over again (twice). the nightmares have come back full force, i'm afraid every time i wake up. i'm dissociating constantly. keep having flashbacks. i'm supposed to start some kind of day hospital in May, but i don't know when, have to wait for the intake appointment in a couple weeks. no idea how things are going to turn out. not keen on going back to that place. ah, well. things are ok. things are gonna be ok. edit: oh yeah i added new flip phone pics
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